Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
