You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
