i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I pour the whiskey from now on
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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