I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
