Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
