mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
