So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
