I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
