There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
