hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
