Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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