I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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