Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Randomize
