if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize