cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Randomize
