I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
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