Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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