i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
