the new term for farting is butt boxing.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
