When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
