When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
