you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
