The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize