My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I enjoy the company of your penis
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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