gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I have tasted many bathrooms
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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