I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
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