Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize