You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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