these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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