like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
