Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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