It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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