I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
