flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
