you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
