Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
