please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize