On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Randomize
