See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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