If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
