I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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