I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
In America we eat man semen.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
