Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
