It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Randomize
