it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
