when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize