I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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