"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize