Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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