i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
