She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
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