Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
