I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Is Oprah even human
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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