I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
