Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
