I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
