ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Randomize
