there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
