The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
